Render Them Iraqis

It is very heart-warming to note that we continue to win the war against the Iraqi animals, day after day. This strategy to wage the war in slow motion is important since it keeps the citizens united and mobilized against the Islamists in general and the terrorists and the liberals in particular.

While our kill ratio of 10 to 1 is much better than the Israeli kill-ratio of 3 to 1, it still is a source of irritation, especially since Al-jazeera and other non-democratic institutions continue to show gory details of beheadings and killings along with other scenes of destruction and desolation.

We need to accelerate the process of democratization in west Asia so we can sanitize the war coverage. We know neatly packaged war will take away the disturbing images of holocaust of Iraqi civilians and children and dead US Marines from the bleeding-heart liberals and the pesky soccer-moms who are using it to spread the hate against the supreme love of our Lord for which we invaded Iraq in the first place.

While we are hard at work to instill democracy in Iraq, I think the time is ripe to take the sting out of Al-jazeera and the liberals, and develop a new profit stream to boot. Of course, I am talking about allowing the wartime-corporations to set up rendering plants in Iraq. I think the need is urgent and the profits are a-wasting!

An unnamed rendering industry representative under oath to Congressional Ways and Means Committee stated that it is standard procedure in the civilized world to render the dead, diseased, and other discarded body parts of cows, pigs, cats, dogs, and road-kills into animal feed for ruminants and other animals. [See, for example, http://www.purehealthsystems.com/render.html, http://www.mad-cow.org/~tom/render_ed.html, or http://www.animalsvoice.com/PAGES/archive/food.html] In a lighter moment during the testemony he said, "This approach to sanitize the war using rendering has the ring of Jesuit tit for tat: the ruminats have given us mad cow disease, the Iraqi rendering plants will provide us the opportunity to infect ruminants with human diseases." He added, “the rendering of the Iraqis will not present any technical challenge as their flesh is generally less stringy than the other animals.”

Senators John Paul Johannesburg (R) and Jonathan Swift (D), in a bi-partisan effort, are supporting a $6.8 Billion appropriation bill to field two rendering plants and 300 armored vehicles especially designed to collect the unsightly flesh and bones for rendering. “Operating in concert,” they said in a joint statement, “the armored vehicles can sanitize the area after military cleanup operations by collecting the dead and the dying Iraqis for the rendering plants, leaving little behind for Al-jazeera to feed on. Furthermore, we can save hundreds of millions for the tax-payers by feeding the rendered products back to the Iraqi cannibals.”

House Leader Tom DuLait, a staunch supporter of the rendering bill said, “It is high time the pentagon did something innovative to reduce the tax burden on common Americans. The [Pentagon] should implement a standard policy of war that includes rendering of evil combatants and the use of rendered products as food, and employ the strategy in a year or two when we have to go to war in Iran for the glory of our Savior.”

Amen.

Living on the Diagonal

God is great. God is magnificent.

About 6000 years ago, while enjoying Her three martini breakfast She decided to build a prison.

By lunchtime, She knew it was a stupid idea. But still, frugal with Her materials, She persisted. She drank a couple of bottles of the best Chianti She could conjure up, and smoked the best grass Jesus was saving for the crucifixion day. She found Herself in a chintzy gown, good mood, and ready to think out of the box. She scoured Her pantry and found this little creature on a dusty forgotten shelf, a biped creature with bandy legs that had a brain bigger than its breaches. And She said "Ah-ha" or may be She said "kun-faya-kun," and there it was, a prison teeming with humans.

She saw to it that every copy had a custom made cell of its own. For kicks, She made sure that the cell was not wide enough to lay down fully stretched and the ceiling was not high enough to stand tall. She saw them hunched and in pain. She saw them clawing to break through the walls, the floor, the ceiling. She saw them suffering and angry. And She thought to Herself, "I need to put more thought in this experiment." Not too shy about borrowing, She thought She could learn a thing or two from Goebbels or the 21st century media gurus to make humans believe they were actually happy being miserable. She said "Ah-ha," as lightening struck Egypt that implanted the idea of God in their big brains. She invented rapture. She sold the idea of living fully stretched on the diagonal to every man, woman, and child. Now they labor day and night to compute square root of (x*x+y*y+z*z) and defy gravity. The psychiatrists have a name for the condition when the captive falls in love with the captor (how cute). But who cares, as long as my captor is bigger and better than yours!

She was happy now. She had a sea of champagne for dinner and snorted the best cocaine that Mary was saving to handle the pain of virgin birth. And She shouted with joy, "I am the father, the mother, the son, and never shall the treys surpass my creative self ever again."

War, You Can Bank on It

If you ask any king, if you can get anywhere near within the halo, he will tell you wars are good! They test the mettle of the young (the dead ones have more metal pinned to their coffin) and fill the pockets of the gents. You say what about American War of Independence? Sure, it was extremely important to protect the huge profits of the American traders against British taxation to help support the extravagant lifestyle of the common puritan on the street. Where would we be if Thomas Jefferson had died in poverty without impregnating the slaves, or the writing of the constitution, or such. Oh, the Civil War? It provided rich and satisfying jobs to the freed slaves in the coal mines of the North, with an opportunity to match the color of their lungs to that of their skin at no extra cost.

So it is a forgone conclusion that wars have a beneficial effect for the common people: when the hunter makes a kill, the dog gets to chew on the bones. Looking at my dog, I know the bones are tasty and worth dying for!

All wars are fun. Especially the modern ones, with the nicest fireworks ever. But if you are like me, you would enjoy the clean version of the spectacle on the TV. A lot of times I just prefer to see the profits rolling in. That's the best spectacle of them all. I like the ones when our military beats up on the little ones, like those nations in central and south America. We teach them respect, we fumigate the suckers to keep cocaine prices reasonable for the common American and their children sick for our pharmaceuticals, the profits keep coming, and the cost of the operation is low. It keeps my conscience cool when profit yield is $100,000 or more for every dead or maimed U.S. Soldier. I generally do not worry about what happens to the psychotic animals on the other side, as long as the little ole American moms do not get to see it on the TV. I do not know why these vermin nations keep opposing our will when their 12-year olds could be making a whole $1 a day working for us.

The two big European wars (otherwise known as the World War I and II) initiated by the rouge states (axis powers?) were good and exciting. A bit scary in the beginning but the end was in no doubt: we owned most of the global resources. The Germans were too late to the colonial empire building game. It was their own fault, if you ask me. Excluded from the party, the Germans and their friends had the temerity to crash the gates with guns not once, but twice. Their form of government was inferior, their soldiers were more witless than ours, and while God like a good industrialist was helping both sides with batteries of praying pastors, he blessed us more. So we won the day. We also had the seemingly endless resources derived from our colonies, including ample supply of gun-fodder like the British Indian Army, that practically guaranteed our success in a long war of attrition. And the profits were good! DuPont made 950 percent more in the First. Neat.

How did we treat our soldiers in the "war to end all wars?" We got them out of their miserable farm life. We put shirt on their back, shoes on their dirty broken feet, and gave them a chance to travel the world. All we asked of them in return was to secure our colonies and profits by killing heathens, the ones who had thrown us out of Europe in the first place. It burns my heart when renegades like General Smedley Butler of the U.S. Marines try to spoil the party. Look how bitter he sounds ("War is a Racket," 1935):

"Thus, having stuffed patriotism down [soldiers'] throats, it was decided to make them help pay for the war, too. So, we gave them the large salary of $30 a month.

All they had to do for this munificent sum was to leave their dear ones behind, give up their jobs, lie in swampy trenches, eat canned willy (when they could get it) and kill and kill and kill . . . and be killed.

But wait!

Half of that wage (just a little more than a riveter in a shipyard or a laborer in a munitions factory safe at home made in a day) was promptly taken from him to support his dependents, so that they would not become a charge upon his community.

Then we made him pay what amounted to accident insurance -- something the employer pays for in an enlightened state -- and that cost him $6 a month. He had less than $9 a month left.

Then, the most crowning insolence of all -- he was virtually blackjacked into paying for his own ammunition, clothing, and food by being made to buy Liberty Bonds. Most soldiers got no money at all on pay days. We made them buy Liberty Bonds at $100 and then we bought them back -- when they came back from the war and couldn't find work -- at $84 and $86. And the soldiers bought about $2,000,000,000 worth of these bonds!

Yes, the soldier pays the greater part of the bill. His family pays too. They pay it in the same heart-break that he does. As he suffers, they suffer. At nights, as he lay in the trenches and watched shrapnel burst about him, they lay home in their beds and tossed sleeplessly -- his father, his mother, his wife, his sisters, his brothers, his sons, and his daughters. When he returned home minus an eye, or minus a leg or with his mind broken, they suffered too -- as much as and even sometimes more than he. Yes, and they, too, contributed their dollars to the profits of the munitions makers and bankers and shipbuilders and the manufacturers and the speculators made. They, too, bought Liberty Bonds and contributed to the profit of the bankers after the Armistice in the hocus-pocus of manipulated Liberty Bond prices. And even now the families of the wounded men and of the mentally broken and those who never were able to readjust themselves are still suffering and still paying."

The General seems to think soldiers deserve a free lunch!

It is fitting that the winning elite imposes its will on the vanquished. Sure, common people are killed and maimed on both sides of the war. It is the less fortunate G.I. Joe who contracts rectal cancer by sitting on depleted Uranium tank structures (serves him right for sitting on his duff when he should be out killing the heathens) or the lung cancer by breathing in radioactive Uranium dust form shattered bullet-tips. But hey, they get to fight for the lofty principles. They fight for their religion. They fight for democracy. They fight for their Fatherland. They fight for equality and the dictatorship of the proletariat. They fight for truth, beauty, and justice. For me, I like the more practical things in life: money, power, and prosperity of my progeny.

You must have seen all those great-spectacle war movies, haven't you? The ones where the heroes and the kings lead their armies to war. They are always at the head of the warring column till the action begins. What are the chances of survival of the soldiers and that rare stupid king who manage to stay at the front line? None, you say. How come the leaders always escape the onslaught unharmed? And how come, if the King dies in the battlefield, the common soldiers dissemble, throw their arms, and would rather accept slavery than die? Dim soldiers! Do the loftier goals of truth, beauty, and justice die with the king? I am glad the modern wars are much more civilized. The elite and the leaders are never put in the harms' way. They rake in the profits to keep the torch of democracy alight, to build great monuments to the dead, and to buy flowers for the graves. Three hurrahs for the truth, beauty, and justice.

The results of the study whether chanting "God Bless America," "United We Stand," and "Support Our Troops" helps reduce pain, sickness, and suffering of the 19-year old Marines and their mothers are classified. But it must, it helps the war machine.

So the 300 or so million people question is: how come there isn't more fervor and outcry to start new and bigger wars? There is a world of heathen animals out there that must be subjugated for truth, beauty, justice, democracy, and profit.

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth

"The budget should be balanced; the treasury should be refilled; public debt should be reduced..." -Cicero. 106-43 B.C.

If you take Cicero's advice, you condemn yourself, your family, and the nation to a perpetual state of slavery without reward. Is life worth living without SUVs, heated swimming pools, and takeout sushi?

Of course, Cicero is dead (and) wrong. Also, he failed to make the grade with god who thinks different. (But we can forgive him, he was born before god!) The god promised that "meek shall inherit the earth." Time and again the promise is interpreted by the insightful correctly when they choose to live in "calculated poverty." We as Americans are certainly not the first who have discovered our lavish lifestyle in bleeding poverty.

Let us see. US per capita median income is $16000 (4-person family income is $63278, see (http://www.census.gov/hhes/income/4person.html)
US per capita average income is $32000. Our national debt is over $7 trillion, about $25000 per capita (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/). Over 40 percent of it owned by the weaker nations around the globe. Since these nations are bankrolling us, they must be rich! But for some weird reason they choose to live poor. (This is proof positive that they are genetically inferior animals.)

We are accumulating debt at a rate of about $2000 per capita per year. In 12 years, more than 50 percent of us will have a debt at least 3 times larger than our income. If we use average income, the picture is a bit rosy: it will take a lot longer, like 30 years before we owe 3 times more than the national income.

Before I proceed any further, let me paraphrase Beeble's Law of Improbability: Simply put, it states that human ability to believe goes to zero (0) as the level of exaggeration increases by a factor of three (3). The exact number is e=2.71... but that's another blog.

Applying it to the question at hand, it means our Lordship of Earth will continue its unparalleled rise unabated as we keep selling our treasury bills to increase our meekness. However, what happens when the Law of Improbability limit is reached and the creditor nations become skittish and begin to realize Americans are never going to meet their financial obligations? Do not think it cannot happen: Saddam's greatest sin was that he tried to sell his oil in Euros rather than dollars, and the Indians, financially astute as they are, are already refusing to buy more American treasury bills. When their urge to recoup is bigger than their fear of us, they will want to call in our debt in 12 years or 30. It will begin to disrupt our united front of calculated Christian meekness.

Will we accept this travesty? Will we disinherit the earth? A totally outlandish concept, if you ask me! We shall protect our meekness. We shall fight it with nukes and biochems. We shall send more of our young and stupid to wars. We shall conduct preemptive strikes on terrorist states like France and Spain. We shall re-institutionalize slavery. We shall make the church support the slavery like the good old days. We shall disfranchise the Euro and raid the De Beers diamond vaults to buy back our poverty. We shall keep the title of the meek and the Lordship of Earth. We love our SUVs.

"America über alles"

Greenpeace and Prostitutes

Sailor mongering was rife in the 19th century when brothels sent prostitutes laden with booze onto ships as they made their way to harbor. So they made a law to stop beautiful women from performing their sacred duty.

Today, it is the Greenpeace. The federal government is suing Greenpeace using the obscure Sailor Mogering Law to clip its wings. It is payback time for the environmental group that boarded a freighter in April 2002 carrying illegally felled Amazon mahogany to Miami. The Toxic Texan believes this is a heinous crime since thwarting free trade in green gold (Amazon mahogany), that provides profits better than cocaine, deprives Florida Voters the money they need to feed their under-nourished families and restricts their support to the good-terrorists in Cuba.

The prosecutors are threatening that if they fail to avenge this misdeed using a law that has not been used since the Boston Tea Party to muzzle barking dogs, they will use the Patriot Act to break up this Beer Bash to save the Born-again President from its terrorist fumes.

The federal government believes that this crime is worse than (i) homosexual marriages, (ii) white-washing 9/11 by creating a multi-billion dollar entitlement program called "Airport Security," and (iii) expending 18-year old Marines and uncounted Iraqis to secure black gold for generations of Free American Capitalist Cronies.

They believe that generally ill-informed Americans cannot handle free speech. Citing Greenpeace, Senator John Paul Johannesburg in his press conference last week stated that "the free speech is a dangerous weapon that cannot be freely given to people that oppose the government, do not know the name of their Senator, or their god." He further stated that he is planning to insert language to this effect in the omnibus budget bill as a foot note on page 743 on behalf of the President of the United States.

Dark Matter

If you love dark cold nights, you must hope there is not enough of the dark matter. If you are an arsonist or enjoy pyrotechnics, you must be rooting for lots of it. The Deep freeze or the explosive disappearance is all yours if you can stick around a few billion years.

However, when Lord Keynes opined, "In the end , we are all dead," he was talking about a century or two. Limits to Growth, a Club of Rome study, puts the Armageddon right around 2070s.

Exponential growth is a quaint little concept. It is well understood in science. It is characterized by overshoot followed by catastrophic readjustment when inputs to the system become scarce or the output waste overwhelms the desired outcomes.

But who cares? The world is run by the politicians and economists. One specializes in selling untruths and half-truths for economic gain and the other is adept at using voodoo math and supply of money to prove existence of flat earth and infinite growth.

Malthus did not know about the existence of oil, but he knew his math well. We are straining our resources to the limit: water, land, energy, you name it. And the waste products are mounting: garbage, global temperature, and population. Yes, population, 6.5 billion and counting.

Most scientist I know are pessimistic about finding new water resources on Mars, or in our ability to move the earth a few meters further away from the sun for its cooling effect, and finding an equally abundant, cheap, and concentrated source of energy as gas and oil in time.

Most politicians and economists, on the other hand, have no choice but to believe in science. That belief comes easy as they have no idea how science works. Or, wait for Armageddon.

The Armageddon in this case is a collapse of the world population to pre-oil numbers, about a quarter of what it is today, and return to local economies, some benign, but mostly feudal and repressive.

Cheer up, the fit and prepared will survive. Others will find solace in Jesus and the real Armageddon and walk off the cliff to commiserate with their maker.

Just like you, all I want is a nice balcony seat, caviar, and vodka-popsicles .