Monday, August 06, 2007

Clinton: the Scary Vagina

I am the Senator from New York. I am happy to admit I am a Nazi.

No, No, No. Not the kind that hates Jews. I love Jews. I am a Jewish Nazi.

No, No, No. I am not Jew, Noooo. (Phew, almost lost 20 Million goyim votes there.) I am more Jewish than the Jews. (NY is in my pocket now for good.)

I am the new kind of Nazi, the one who is happy when we go to these other-world countries with guns, WTO, NAFTA, IMF, and the world bank. Did I say guns? Yes, guns and 18-year old soldiers who need to grow up real quick or die doing so. It is the American way. Free market and all, people dropping like flies for a fistful of dollars. We destroy local ecologies like the Niger delta or Oaxaca or Darfur for natural resources and destabilize sustainable communities by privatizing their water and selling them Franken-seeds. We turn them into cesspools by indiscriminately discarding oil waste. It is good Nazi business.

Water-boarding? Nah, When I am the President, I will asphyxiate Ahmadinejad with my bare tits, no questions asked. (Take that, Mr. Clinton… (snicker, snicker)). Don't get me wrong. I am all for negotiations, if you can find reasonable people these days. Vote for me in 2008.

Are you full of hate? Welcome. Hate is good. But without a working brain, it is impotent. Select the right source of your economic misery.

Iraq. Iran.

We need oil. If we have to strangle every child in Iraq and Iran to get it, I am all for it. I shall not compromise on the American way.

Yeah, I know you pay over $3/gallon at the pump. Guess what you would be paying if we did not offer all these subsidies to the energy industry. I can count to $27 Billion in subsidies in the 2005 Energy Bill easily. See for yourself. (Don’t mention the corn subsidy they use for ethanol. I enjoy my Franken-corn-on-the-cob when Bill has to sleep on the couch.)

Focus your hate on Iraq, Iran.

Yeah, Yeah. I know if we take this subsidy away, we can import another 12 million Mexicanos, just to wipe our pale ass for no extra taxes.

No, no, no. I am with you. Who needs chocolate like public water? Very unhealthy. Global labor with open borders not good. Before you know it, they will want real wages. Hate to see Dorothy in Kansas, high on high-fructose Franken-foods, living it up on the skid row. (My half-hearted attempt to carry a lost state.)

Vote Clinton 2008.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Dipstick


SoCal, Thirty years ago

I

John Blake slowly got out of his bed. Mechanically, he shaved, showered, and put on his work clothes. He ate his tasteless but genetically enhanced designer cereal without relish. He kissed his sleeping 7-month pregnant wife, Alice, and walked out of the house. His shoulders slumped a little further as his eyes focused on his shining black Hummer parked in the driveway . You could see a “For Sale by Owner” sign in the rear window. He had recently reduced the asking price drastically but still no one had called.

The price of gas had almost doubled from the time he had bought the Hummer. He remembered how happy he was, how envious his macho friends were, and how Alice loved his new car. But that was before they got married.

He uttered a silent lament, “fuck,” as he drove to the gas station. He had a 40-mile drive ahead of him to West LA where he worked for a bioengineering company.

The drive was not too bad, just expensive. People were trying to work from home or using carpools when they could.

“I must look for carpools on the net today,” he told himself. Soon he will be a father and Alice will have to stay home to take care of the baby.


II

“Hi Joe, How is the cloak and dagger stuff,” asked John with a broad smile.

“You pulling my leg again,” said Joe Barto.

John uttered an exaggerated no as he pours his coffee.

“I think that bitch is a Monsanto spy,” whispered Joe after a little self absorbed pause.

“Which bitch,”

“The new secretary, Becky”

“No,”

“I think she is trying to get in bed with me,”

“And you think it has nothing to do with your charming personality?” John said, laughing.

“I am married.”

“It must be the money, then.”

“You kidding me. I am just the lowly security guy.”

“May be the guns turn her on!”

“That is ridiculous,” said Joe as he splits his “off-the-rack” ill-fitted Jacket to proudly show his Magnum in his shoulder holster.

“Is that new.”

“Yes. John you should get yourself a gun.”

“No.”

“The way things are going, they will be rioting for food, gas, you name it. I have a room full of them. I will sell you one when you are ready,”

“How can you think about that. Aren’t you a Baptist or something?”

“John you should read the Bible someday. God loves genocide. There are 666 holy stories of butchery and mass murder, or thereabouts.”

“And the other cheek?”

“That’s just marketing,”

“Be careful, John,” said Joe to John’s receding back.

“I will,” John shouted back.


III

Becky swings open the office door and says excitedly, “The hospital called, Alice is having her baby.”

“I knew it, I knew it, I didn’t want to come to work today.”

“Good luck, John,” yelled Joe.

“Call us when you can,” said Becky

John hurriedly departs from work. He is in the hospital waiting room in 30 minutes. He waits.

He sees the doctor walking toward him. He rushes up to meet him.

“Doctor, Doctor, how is Alice,”

“You have a healthy boy.”

“But how is Alice.”

“She is not doing too well. We are moving here to critical care.”

“What happened, Doctor.”

“She was bleeding too much…and the brownout is not helping.”

“What about the generators.”

“They have not worked in 6 months…there is just enough diesel for the critical unit. And, your insurance does not cover power outages”

“Oh, God.”

“Do not despair, there is hope.”

“Can I see her.”

“Give us a few minutes, she is being moved.”

“What am I going to do,” said John to no one in particular.

A pause.

“Can I see the boy. We are going to call him Eric.”

“Yes, the nursery is this way.”


SoCal, Twenty-seven years ago

I

Yura was always hungry like his friend Mark, living on the streets of the beach town. No, he was not a tinfoil-hat veteran or a drug addict. His father had committed suicide a couple of years ago when the bank foreclosed his mortgage a few months after he lost his job.

He was a UCLA dropout and a hoodlum, working the streets, looking for food to support himself and his ailing Korean mother. And thinking overtime to find a way out of the LA quagmire.

As they stood scanning the surroundings lazily, looking for an opportunity to pick a mark, they saw a security guard from Don’s Food Store kick and tase a panhandler at the front entrance. When Yura tried to intervene, two other guards in full riot gear showed up in a hurry. He backed off, but continued to shout insults at the guards. Within seconds, there were over a hundred people surrounding the security guards, who by now had pulled out their guns.

And the police was on their way.

The pan handler was lying motionless, unconscious.

Yura purposefully pushed his way to the back of the crowd that had started throwing garbage, cans, and bottles at the guards. While Mark stood watch, Yura slipped under a parked truck, pulled out a couple of tools from his backpack, and punctured the gas tank. He filled three bottles of coke with gas. It took him but a few seconds. As he slid out and away from the truck, Mark threw a burning match in the flowing gasoline stream. They seemed to know the drill. Efficient. No talk.

Suddenly the truck was on fire, engulfing other cars nearby. The police started shooting in the air and sometimes straight at the trouble makers.

“Chief, we need reinforcements, the crowd is ugly.”

“I have no spare capacity. LA is fighting their own riots. Ask Don’s security people to lend you a hand. They started the riot, didn’t they.”

Just when the rioters were beginning to wilt under police pressure, Yura threw a Molotov cocktail, and then another.

Someone drove a black Hummer straight at the police. It ran over the panhandler and went through the front doors of the food store. Don's security killed the driver. Eric, the three-year-old orphan in the back seat was unhurt, but crying.

The mob was in a frenzy. It charged the store with reckless abandon.

The police and Don's security were overcome. The mob took their guns and tasers and light-sticks, and duck-taped them.

Yura frantically typed the text message to a friend, Benita: “Food party at Don’s. Won’t last.”


II

Seven rioters and two policemen lay dead. The food store was emptied within minutes. The security cameras showed store workers helping themselves.

By the time reinforcements came, there was no body around the store, except for a couple of tinfoil-hats rummaging through the carnage and, of course, the dead.

Yura and his mama and Mark and his dog, Bouncer, and Eric ate well this day.

“Mama,” said Eric.

“Ah-gee, my baby” said mama.

Yura and Mark looked at each other, laughing without restraint. Bouncer looked up and howled.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Brane 3.14

The Lord of Brane 3.14, made Model T Humans about 300 million years ago hoping for a pet with a potential for higher quality entertainment. To test His creation, He put together a game that used Easter Eggs that He could buy from his Uncle Fido, the Lord of Brane 3.141.

He summoned Model T Adam and told him the rules of the Game. Adam looked disoriented and wondered about the god thing. So the god put on a show: an impressive array of miracles that broke every rule of the Game. Adam exclaimed "Jesus! I am bamboozled, Oh Rulebreaker, Oh Rulemaker, Oh Whatever!" The Holy Ghost said to himself, "Yeah, that's it, Adam."

So He bought the eggs from his Uncle Fido. Fido, the inveterate prankster, made the eggs so that they started hatching the moment they hit the earth...the rest is history. The humans could neither run nor talk fast enough to get themselves out of trouble.The dinosaurs ate the Model Ts.

It was hard work to catch all the dinosaurs. After they ate their staple, the humans, they started looking for an alternate source of energy. They started eating other critters the Virgin so loved to play with. Jesus could not resurrect the dead ones fast enough! That's when He asked Stephen Hawking , his half-brother and cosmologist, for a solution. But Stephen refused to help on the grounds that the Holy Ghost was just a figment of wanton imagination. It got Jesus enraged enough to throw a rock the size of Mt. Denali at Stephen. Yes, that is how he got so crippled and all. For the love of unwitting luck, the rock he threw kicked up so much dirt in the air that it started the global winter. It lasted a thousand years. Killed every dino that failed to convert to an evangelical bird. Pretty neat, eh. But so many of the lovely pets lost their species that it made the Lord livid with love. He started a 65 million year war of love with Fido. It was divine to watch how millions of species went poof from the two loving Branes. But that's another story.

When the war was done God came back to his project with a vengeance. He needed unconditional love, unfettered by the inter-brane rules. He reseeded the earth with a new and improved model of humans about 6000 years ago, as He saz in the good book. He did not mention the dinosaurs in the book nor the war with Fido. Believers can understand, it was a sore subject. Furthermore, He wanted to recount other amusing genocides He prized better.

He did not think humans would be smart enough to dig out those dinosaur bones, especially since Stephen was so crippled and all. But He was wrong.

Crippled or not, Stephen was too smart. Yes, the seed he ate that exposed his genitals was doctored with clever genes by you know who from Brane 3.141. It took men a mere 5900 years to dig up the dinosaur bones and a couple of trillion tons of fossil fuels that Jesus was saving for the fireworks to celebrate his second coming. But the party-pooper humans have burned up about half of it already to blaze a trail of love for the ever hungry and multiplying consumers, generating a bunch of CO2. Global Summer is upon us.

Just like the global winter of eons ago wiped out many a species including the dinosaurs, the Global Summer is ready to unleash itself. Eternally balmy weather. Whales beaching at the footsteps of the Capitol Hill. Djakarta's airport going underwater by 2050. (But who will be flying by then?)

Holy Xon's (variously pronounced as "son" or "x-on") Game is now transparent. Global Summer sits well with the current business model to drain the last drop of oil for the love of exponentially increasing global population of lemmings, er, humans. See humans grow, see humans starve, see humans cannibalize. It is His idea of love. But then, parthenogenetic Mary home-schooled Him, didn't She. And, We have Stephen's word that the Xon was never tested with Gom Jabbar.

Perhaps Fido will subvert the Game. He will suck up all that extra CO2 and use it up in his giant soda factory. Just maybe, but maybe, this sucker-upper tornado will rapturously embrace all the terrorists in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, South Korea, Kansas, and Washington D.C. and convert them to phosphoric acid that keeps the soda so fresh tasting. And for humans the good times will continue to roll unabated: zero-down sub-prime mortgages and SUVs for all. Yes, it could happen!

Press on.